November 4th
Dear Mom,
I rented a bike today and rode all over Navy Pier in Chicago. There's a two hundred foot tall ferris wheel, and the seats were gondolas. I've never been on a gondola ferris wheel instead of an open air ferris wheel.
It has the best view of the Chicago skyline.
I read a book a few years ago about a post apocalyptic Chicago and after driving all over the city the last few days, there are parts of it I can imagine from the book.
The windy city lives up to its name, and maybe that's why the ferris wheel had the enclosed seats.
I also found the Cloud Gate Sculpture and walked around it in puzzlement for almost fifteen minutes before I remembered the movie I'd seen it in. The one where he gets put into a different guy's body to try to stop the train from blowing up or something? I'm pretty sure it was in there.
Anyway, it is such a cool sculpture. It was chosen over many other designs in a contest, and I guess some of the experts didn't think it would actually be possible to make, much less upkeep the sculpture.
They were wrong, obviously. It's beautiful too. There were lots of people taking pictures, and I took some selfies to send to Dad. I may have sent one to Jasper and Meg too.
Speaking of Jasper and Meg, they've met apparently.
Meg told me she went to find him almost as soon as they moved up there because she was curious about him and the hexaflexagon.
So she sent me a text a few weeks back that she'd met him and she loves him. Of course she does. I can't imagine Meg not loving anyone, especially someone as incredibly kind as Jasper.
Of course I had to ask Jasper about Meg, but once I did he had a lot to say. Apparently she waited till he got off work and ambushed him into dinner with her and Tom. Poor guy was pretty confused till she told him she knows me, and then they got to talking and now I guess they're best friends.
He told me the other day that he was just getting out of a long term relationship when we met on the bluff over Nye beach, and that's why he didn't ask for my number or push me any harder than he did.
I think he's still hurting from what happened with her, and I'm still hurting over you, and maybe we're making very good friends for each other because of our pain.
I think this is a man I could really grow to like, but I also think there's some healing I need to do before I start depending on someone else.
If I were to fall right now for anyone I would just give them too much responsibility for my happiness.
I told Althea that and she was quiet for a full minute till I asked her what she thought about it.
Then she told me that I had to know my limits.
Althea is very good at turning my requests for her opinion around on me, forcing me to work things out. I was also right about her being a good listener.
She's encouraged me to stop putting so much pressure on my friendship with Jasper, and just let it be friendship. Somehow her words made it through my hard head. I don't want anything with anyone other than friendship, and to look so far into the future to try to find out whether Jasper and I could be anything else just puts stress on me and pressure on our friendship.
And it's a lovely friendship. We text a lot, and talk on the phone every once in a while, and he's sweet. I always take pictures of wherever I am and send them to him and he sends me pictures of the coast.
Sometimes I imagine I can still smell the salty ocean air and hear the waves pounding the beach, but I know it's just my imagination and my longing to be back there. To take just a few steps into the ocean and feel the sand falling from beneath my feet.
To see if that urge to walk forward and not stop still pushes into my mind.
I don't think it would. I still have days where everything seems awful and the light at the end of this endless tunnel seems more like a mirage than an actually bit of hope. But I also have days where I smile without hating myself. Where I find small bits of happiness in this adventure I'm on without feeling the guilt that you're not able to be here with me.
And instead of the hopeless apathetic numb feeling, there is actual raw pain where I have to scream to let it out.
And I do. I scream and I cry, aware that no one else may understand me or why I have to do this. But there's a freedom in allowing the grief and letting go of the guilt. You wouldn't want me wasting away to an emotional nothing. You wouldn't want me to walk into that raging sinking sand without a fight.
I wouldn't either, and it's a relief to feel the fight in me. The choice to take a step back from the void and work to find small joys.
Like a text from Jasper, or a picture Meg took and sent to me of her, Tom and Jasper hanging out at the Irish pub in Newport, or the emails Dad has started sending me on a semi-regular basis.
There are people here who love me. They're not you, but you didn't leave me with nothing. You left me with the ability to love and be loved, and I'll be forever grateful. And if none of them get to know you, I'll make sure you're remembered somehow. Not because you're dead, but because you lived. Because you shone with the light of a star, because I revolved around you like the solar system you absolutely deserved.
You deserved everything good.
I will always remember you,
Bo
