May 27th
I'm somehow still in Arizona. The last week has been a bit of a blur, and I hate to tell you why.
Remember the head cold?
But I'm better now, and Meg the possible murderer has become a friend. I know, I would have a lot more friends if I didn't sabotage everyone who tried.
Also, Meg thinks it's hilarious I thought she was going to murder me.
I have stayed here far longer than I thought I would, and maybe it's just because I've made a friend, but Tuscan has such a friendly feel to it.
A little intrusive too, in a friendly, definitely not going to be murdered, way.
Meg has come by to check on me every day, sometimes twice a day, and she once even just sent her boyfriend Tom.
He's also friendly, and slightly less pushy about it.
He made me tea that definitely had ginger in it, but he said it was just a mix from the store. I loved it. My inhaler hasn't gotten a lot of use since I started this trip, but this last week I took it for a ride.
Just helping it fulfill it's purpose in life, right?
Leaving for California in the morning. I think I'll go through Phoenix just to say I've been. I've heard people go way over the speed limit in Phoenix and don't get pulled over for it, so I'm game to try it.
Although possibly I shouldn't be tempting fate.
It's become even clearer than before that anywhere I go I can be a completely different person, and it's tempting to try. To put on an English accent, and strut about, complaining about the tea and calling cookies “biscuits”.
Maybe I'll do that in California, although I know I'll be busted because my English accent just isn't that good.
Maybe I should try a southern drawl first.
I laughed with Meg yesterday. Laughed so hard I lost my breath and coughed till I had to use my inhaler. I haven't laughed like that since everything happened. I wasn't sure I'd ever laugh like that again.
I think maybe the Victorian grave I'm in is six feet underground, and the string tied around my finger is attached to a clapper-less bell, but maybe, just maybe...
Someone is standing at another grave a few feet away, and maybe the swinging motion of my bell will catch their attention.
Maybe they'll dig me up and find I'm alive though barely breathing.
I'm being eaten alive by the guilt that I can be here, in this beautiful alien place, with friends you never met, laughing till I have to use my inhaler.
I'm sorry I wasn't better to you. I'm sorry I didn't see everything coming and maybe do something about it. I'm sorry I was so wrapped up in college and the life I planned out for myself that I let you go without even fighting for you.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Bo.
In actuality I think Meg came banging on my door because I wasn't answering her texts. It was kind of her, especially since I wasn't exactly receptive to her friendliness.
I'm glad she did come to find me because I really wasn't feeling well, and she kind of forced me to take care of myself.
She's one of the bossiest people I've ever met, and I love every bossy bit of her. I suppose we all need a bossy friend who makes you tea and hot soup.
I didn't tell her anything about Mom. I couldn't dampen our new friendship with my pain. But I think she could tell.
My life feels like it's been split into “before” and “after”. I suppose even to people who didn't know my “before” I seem distant and dull.
She didn't ask any questions about my past though, just plied me with tea and every once in a while shots, and asked me where all I was planning on going.
In the evenings she and Tom would come and sit on my floor and bed and she would pull her knees up and wrap her long arms around them, and they would talk about how they don't want to stay in Arizona though both of them grew up here, and how they're just looking for a place they both feel like home.
They make me feel hopeful and lonely all at once.
They make me half regret cutting Neil off so harshly, and yet, glad because I never had with Neil what they have.
Maybe I would have if I'd given him time.
Why is this so confusing? Who am I supposed to ask all my questions about love and guys? I just want my mom. I want to ask her everything I'm wondering about what she loved about Dad and why they broke up. Whether she could have loved him again.
If she's disappointed in me for my complete lack of trust in the men in my life. I know she would be saddened by it, and that makes me sad.
I just wish I could meet a guy who would treat me well with no ulterior motive. Who could gain nothing by being my friend but still would choose me as a friend.
The world has taught me it's too much to ask. There's no such thing as people without ulterior motives. And men do not befriend women without wanting something in return. That's just the way it is.
Meg is begging me to come out for one more night before I take off tomorrow, and how can I say no?
I can't, she's way too insistent. Have a good week everyone, and whatever else you do, be kind to yourself.