Dear Mom,

I've stopped in Bastrop for the night on my way across the miles of Texas, but in all honesty it was because of the Dinosaur Park. They have life-sized statues of dinosaurs showing what their skin looked like and the variation of colors they had. It's totally fascinating and I was glad I got there early enough to take the walk through the park.

Also I was lucky and happened to see a social media post from Ryker showing he's been in San Antonio for a few days, so we got to meet up and walk the River Walk.

He always seemed like such a permanent feature in our lives. I remember when he joined the military and how frightened I was that something would happen to him. How grateful to see him every time he came home, though he accumulated the scars of his service.

He's changed, I suppose. People do. He was happy to show me around San Antonio a bit, and even took me for a ride on his motorcycle.

Ryker came right out and asked if I left Colorado because of you. He didn't seem to blame me for it. He didn't even give me any indication if he thought it was a bad idea.

He did insist on buying my coffee, and regaled me with stories of his adventures. He reminds me of Donovan that way. They're both Road Warriors, always ready for a new adventure.

It was such a great experience seeing San Antonio through his eyes. I'm a little sad he doesn't live there anymore. He seems to really care for the city.

I'm so glad I got to see Ryker again, if only for an afternoon of brand new experiences in a brand new place (brand new to me). He was a delightful taste of home so far from everything I know as home.

He was such a part of our lives when I was growing up that seeing him almost brought you back to me in a strange way.

After we said goodbye and he rode away on his motorcycle I climbed back in my car and came here to Bastrop. The whole way I've been thinking of a few of the people I grew up around. There's a few of them in different states. Maybe I should contact them and see if they want to meet up when I'm there.

I know we would have done that if you were here, and I want to do the things we would have done together.

For now I'm a little lonely after the society of the last few days between Meg and Ryker. Kee is getting more than his share of my attention tonight since I've been talking to myself and he's the only one listening.

Not that I think a stuffed bear can understand me.

I'm not crazy.

I keep saying that, and I know that can't be a good sign.

I miss you Mom. I miss the part you would have in this trip. I miss the side-eye you'd give me for talking to myself, and the teasing tone of voice you always used when we were giving each other a hard time.

There's just a nostalgic feeling in the air tonight. Probably a result of meeting up with Ryker.

I remember you and the other moms all cooking dinners while us kids played tag and red rover, injuring each other as much as we had fun.

I remember getting into yelling matches with the other girls, and you coming to drag me off to a secluded corner to make the determination for yourself whether I should be in trouble or not.

But you didn't fight my battles for me.

And maybe that was the best training for this time in my life. No one is going to fight this monster for me. I have to fight and defeat it myself, or be defeated. There's no third option. There's something primal and frightening in the prospect of facing down this pain I wasn’t created to experience.

Some days I can feel me slipping away, losing myself. And I know I have to make the decision to let what should have been fall away.

I just don't know how to survive without unclenching my fists.

I miss you

I love you

Bo

I'm thinking of going down to Galveston before turning North again. I've missed the ocean for too long, and even though I know the Gulf is a far cry from the rugged wilderness of the Pacific Northwest coast, it will still be something to watch the waves roll in.

For tonight, Bastrop has a relieving pace with a small town feel. I made myself some chicken soup for supper, and I'm sipping it out of one of the mugs I brought with me. I brought two mugs. The one we had made with our picture on it and the one with the alcohol ink spread across it.

The one with alcohol ink was the first mug Mom gave me after I left for college. She somehow found one with the perfect mixture of teals, blues, and browns. It looks like water and coffee splashed all over it.

It keeps the soup warm really well, and I'm taking my time since I'm feeling a little more tired than usual.

For all my love for Ryker and Meg, I am alright with my own company. I suppose that's a good thing since I'm alone more than I'm with people.

The weather has been remarkably clear for the last week. I'm hoping to get at least one good rainbow before I leave Texas, but I'm not waiting around for it.

My weather app says it should be raining in Oklahoma next week, so I'm heading that direction hoping to catch some good pictures and maybe see my cousins. I'm relieved tornado season is over for the year.

For now though, with my soup finished and this last letter in the shoe box, I'm ready to snuggle down in my blankets, clutch Kee close, and drift off. Till tomorrow.