I knew my little camper wouldn't be able to hold all the things I'd need for this trip. I knew there would be inconveniences.

My current inconvenience is a head cold. I know it's been a while since you nursed me through one of those, so I'll remind you that my favorite remedy is ginger tea.

I know what your first question would be and so no, it's not a bad cold. Also no, it won't go into my chest. I'm not stupid.

I miss you assuming I'd be stupid and forget my inhaler or stay out in the cold when I already don't feel well.

It's not even cold here. I dipped into Arizona for what I'm planning to be a brief visit before seeing what the California coast looks like in May, and it's warm. I've stayed out of the mountains as much as possible since my car has been making a funny noise. I don't want to get stuck trying to pull the camper uphill when my car dies.

I'd rather be in the middle of the desert where I can die quickly.

Okay, that went dark and I'm sorry.

My point is, it's been warm and I'm not worried about my head cold becoming anything more than a minor annoyance.

I do want to head north though before the heat really hits. Even now the thought of those summer temps tightens my chest a little, and the hollow that was left by you contracts.

I never knew it would feel like this. Somehow I thought if this ever happened with us I'd be able to pick up my life and move on. Not be like all those other pathetic losers clinging to the past and their pain.

Not to be dramatic, but this broke my heart. And I thought I'd felt that before.

I thought it would never be worse than three years ago when Nick dumped me for that red headed bimbo, but surprise... It got worse.

Also, I know you'll say that genetically I'm a red head and I shouldn't talk about people like that when it can come back to bite me, but I only said it to you, and you're not telling.

I made it to Tuscan tonight, and I'm loving the landscape around here. There's tons of saguaros and I have taken tons of pictures you'll never see. It's okay, most of them stink.

There was a flash flood earlier, which I enjoyed to the utmost before the sky cleared like it never happened, and the most amazing double rainbow showed up.

If Arizona always gets rainbows like this I may have to move here in spite of the heat, and the rattlesnakes, and the scary black scorpions I've heard a ridiculous amount about.

I met a girl tonight who asked me to pick a song she'd already paid for on the jukebox. I chose some random country song and returned to my seat with the barest amount of eye contact, but it was apparently enough for her to decide we should be friends.

I know if I was telling you this story a few months ago you'd be laughing at me for trying to sabotage a friendship before it begins, but I don't understand why strangers have to be so friendly?

Her name is Meg and she also insisted on a round of shots, which I actually am grateful for because they cleared my sinuses right up.

She knows where I live now. A stranger knows where I live. I would be freaking out if I couldn't move with very little effort.

Now I'm lying in bed, looking out my tiny window at the security light filtering through the branches of a very large bush. I keep hearing this high pitched almost laugh sound. Meg told me it was a burrowing owl, but I'm still not convinced she wasn't pulling my leg.

My bed is very comfortable tonight and I've locked my door, trying to convince myself it could stop Meg if she really wanted to murder me. I'm sure I'll be able to sleep even with the fact my nose is starting to plug back up, and I'm thirsty, and it's weird having different sounds around me every night.

Goodnight

I love you

Bo.

I drop the letter on the floor once the envelope is sealed. I'll put it away tomorrow. For now, I don't feel like moving. I'm even laying at an angle that makes writing this a little awkward, and I don't care.

I got two calls from professors today, and I haven't listened to their voice mails. I can't, or maybe just won't think about that part of my life and the choices I've made to leave it behind.

Mom insisted I graduate college. If nothing else made it obvious I have no ambition maybe the major I chose did. Liberal Arts? Only people who either have very specific goals or no goals go for that major.

That's all beside the point. I left before exams and destroyed my grades. I can't find it within myself to care. It wasn't what I wanted. I'm not sure what I wanted, or want.

But it wasn't to go to college for four years only to still not know at the end of them.

It feels like such a waste when I could have been home, working a full time job, saving money and actually using it to go places with Mom.

I don't feel good. The cough medicine is fogging my brain and the shadows are closing in around me. I can't keep my eyes open... Goodnight.