“This is the third day. Third days have symbolism, right? Something about being raised from the dead?

I can't feel it. It still feels like I'm suffocating underground in a Victorian graveyard with the bell above my grave swinging clapper-less.

That's an exaggeration.

And what reason could I possibly have for feeling this way? With my eyes on the road, a map in my passenger seat, and my whole life stowed in a storage compartment for the mice to enjoy?

Maybe it's because the passenger seat is empty other than the map and an apple I picked up at the last convenience store. Maybe it's because the tear drop camper I pull has enough room for two of us in a snug way. Maybe it's because I can still hear the words I snapped at you before slamming the door to your house.

But this was our dream. Driving across the United States, seeing all the humdrum little realities of life, and you're not here.

But I'm not going to dwell on that.

I'm going to write you letters. Don't worry, I won't expect a response. I'm not crazy.

I'm going to trail some rainbows, and when the money runs out, or my heart feels less like it's going to shatter into tongues of flame, or I can restart my life without the rage that simmers below the surface, I'll be back.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Bo”

The letter's in my glove box now. It's sealed, and I've written the name carefully on the front of the envelope. No stamp. It's not going to be sent, ever.

I still can't believe it's been two weeks since the last time I could have seen her, her eyes lighting up with joy at the sight of me. Two weeks down, forever to go.

I can't think about it. Instead I'll focus on fulfilling our dream of this road trip. Focus on what I can control.

Focus on something other than that the last time I saw her I was slamming the door to her house after screaming at her.

Something other than that I was less than she deserved.

I hate myself. I hate her for leaving me.

I can't imagine ever allowing another person close enough to become a bomb like that. My sanity wouldn't handle it.

And what better way to hold people at a distance than to literally put them at a distance?

So goodbye to all the people I am familiar with. Hello to all the people who don't know about her and the hole she left in my heart.

Hello...World...